Medusa, Athena, And Taking My Own Darn Advice

I’m nearing the end of another run of my Self-Portraits With Meaning workshop, but this round I ended up changing the final assignment.  

Everything is about everything, and myths have been one of those things coming up all around me lately.  It might be anecdata, but it feels like the importance of myths and archetypes is making a strong move throughout society at the moment.  

I appreciate any tool that allows us to step outside ourselves in order to more accurately see and assess the Self, so when it struck me to use myths for the final assignment for the students I ran with it.  

The scary thing is, I also knew I needed to take the task on for myself.  

I ended up choosing the myth of Medusa.  You might not be familiar with the story, or you might have Medusa misunderstood, so let me give you a quick overview of the myth. Medusa was a beautiful mortal who was raped by Poseidon on the steps of Athena’s temple.  The problems (aside from the absolute abhorrent act of rape) were that Medusa had been devoted to chastity in service of Athena AND Poseidon and Athena were enemies.  

After being raped, Medusa cried out to Athena for forgiveness and guidance, but instead of offering grace and wisdom, Athena punished Medusa by turning her into a hideous monster with snakes for hair and giving her the power to turn men to stone with one look into her eyes. 

In this #metoo moment, I would have preferred for Athena to be a woman believing and supporting women; I suppose even the gods have their flaws. But let’s all learn the lesson and respond with kindness and empathy when women are crying out for help.

I ended up exploring a few characters, feelings, and themes with my own roll of self-portraits, but I’d love to go back to keep exploring.  It wound up feeling like a rough draft, and some images I’d love to go back to and re-explore, and there were other themes I didn’t even have time to tap into.  

(As an aside, I feel like we forget that our work can be a rough draft.  We don’t need to create it and put it to the side if we’re not happy with it; we are always able to go back and learn and make tweaks.) 

One of the characters I tapped into was Athena, the goddess of wisdom and war.  When I read the story of Medusa, I was struck by how impulsive Athena’s punishment feels.  Medusa has been violated and asks for help, and instead of using her power of wisdom to support and guide Medusa, she flies into a fit of rage and creates a monster out of her previously beautiful and sought-after devotee.  

I was left to imagine that Athena’s jealousy of Medusa was simmering in Athena’s subconscious, and it was waiting for an excuse to come out in the form of wrath.  That’s what happens when we leave these things unchecked in our subconscious, even our strengths like wisdom and strategy can fly out the window as these more shadowy parts explode from the surface.  

To explore this, I held in tension our Persona and Shadow side.  Your persona is the part of yourself that you allow the world to see, and your persona might change depending on who you’re with (rightfully so).  For instance, your Work Persona might be responsible, articulate, and reserved, but when you go out with your friends your persona could be more crass and verbose.  

In college I was in a math class with a teacher from Wisconsin who was teaching in Minnesota on a provisional license. She had some math classes to finish up to get her MN license, but she was currently serving as a math teacher at a local high school.  I had the unique position of being her classmate AND observing her in action in her classroom at a local high school.  

In the classroom she was pretty hard-nosed and held her students to a high standard.  She made them do 25 pushups for every swear word out of their mouths and took no flak from the teens.  

But outside the classroom she was super fun-loving, sarcastic, and swore like a sailor.  

The distinction was quite extreme, but it turns out she felt the need to set such an extreme persona with her students because of her age and size.  As a shorter, young, female teaching kids not-that-much younger than she, and many were taller. She wanted to assert her authority through strict behavior, and let them know there was no room for friendship in this classroom scenario. 

Although seemingly at odds, these personas made sense.  I understood why she would want to be stern in the classroom to gain a sense of respect and high-spirited with her classmates in an effort to forge camaraderie.  This is why we take on different personas depending on the situation; in fact, we need to take on different personas.

On to the shadow side.  The shadow side of us is the side that lies below our consciousness.  It’s the part of us that we don’t really show ourselves, so it generally lies latent within us.  But it’s still part of us and will burst forth given the right situation.  

The shadow side sounds negative, but it’s not.  The negative happens when we repress these aspects of us and they end up coming out sideways.  The irony is that uprooting and embracing these shadowy parts of us leads to a further sense of wholeness and self-acceptance, which makes us healthier and happier people. 

I acted out Athena’s persona of wisdom and shadow jealousy in an effort to tap into my own inner-workings.  I view myself as a fairly wise and thoughtful person (Future Amy might argue with this, but we’ll quiet her for now), but what are the areas where I act in opposition to that?  

I came to the realization lately that the advice I give others, I am having a hard time embracing for myself.  These bits of wisdom or good life practices I desire to pass along to others, I truly believe for them….but why is it I can’t believe them for myself?  

All creativity is mutually beneficial

Things have a way of working themselves out

Rest is essential

Don’t give into the capitalist idea that all activities need to directly lead toward the “bottom line”

I believe these.  For you. 

I am trying to believe them for myself.  My rational brain knows these things are true, but I am having a hard time moving them into the way my body feels throughout my days.  

My persona confidently asserts these ideals. My persona will even convince you and me that I have great work/life balance and that I am making sure to not give into the pervasive capitalist mentality.

But lately I am realizing I actually have ZERO work boundaries. I use valid excuses:

I like work (I do)

I am trying to build a business so I need to work a lot (I am)

I am a work from home mom without childcare, so not only do I have to pick them up from school earlier than the normal ending of a work day, but take time out of my day for various appointments or squeeze in things like working out.

But the truth is, because I’m having trouble heeding my own advice, I find myself exhausted, stressed, and anxious.  I spiral into more of a scarcity mentality when I’m in this state, and I work myself ragged for some sort of “productivity achievement”. 

I work nights and weekends and stress if I haven’t done enough activities that lead to some sort of direct and obvious monetary value.

I worry if I lose a single day of work that everything I’m building will crumble to the ground.

Like, can I just chill the freak out and stop being so anxious and holding things so tightly? I have even been feeling it in my jaw as I’ve been clenching for about a year and a half straight, but lately the pain is overwhelming. How do I move these head thoughts into my feelings and whole being? How do I learn to let go and live into my own advice and inner knowing?

I haven’t figured out how to sort through this, but I do know bringing it into awareness is the first step.  We can’t solve a problem we don’t even know we have.  

Expressing it on film felt cathartic, even if just for the duration of the exercise. But I’ll take it.  We apply the salve even if it’s not a panacea.  The salve is always a step toward healing.